The Danger of Expectations

Photo by Brigite: Sunset in Henderson, Nevada

Did you know that expectations are the number one source of unhappiness?

I thought my biggest factor of unhappiness was the black hole in my bank account that seems to swallow up money faster than lightning speed   😉

I have been criticized by people, especially those who mean well, for my unrealistic expectations. I believed that expectations were part of my self-worth, asking for what I need and desire. I came to realize it’s more about feeding my ego than the actual expectations. The ego is like a hungry narcissist who demands attention and praise, functioning on instant gratification.

It was time to examine my expectations, putting my ego into silence mode, which proved to be a challenging task. As I dug deeper, I uncovered the source of my high expectations: my insecurities and my need to be in control. My low self-esteem demanded constant validation, which in turn was placed on other people as expectations. I expected people, especially friends, to behave in a certain way to fill a void that can only be filled by myself. When you start facing the things you buried for a long time, healing and growth can finally unfold.

This blog post is not about the ego, which can sometimes be your greatest ally or your worst enemy; it’s about uncovering why expectations are draining our joy and causing internal and external conflict.

According to Psychology Today, “expectations are predictions about what will happen in the future. We set expectations based on past experiences, social norms, and personal beliefs. But when these predictions are unmet, we experience cognitive dissonance—the uncomfortable gap between what we expected and what actually occurred.”

• Expectations are the greatest source of dissatisfaction.

A survey conducted pinned expectations as the greatest cause of dissatisfaction. There is no doubt that a meaningful job, financial security, and stable relationships are important, but the greatest factor that impedes our satisfaction is our expectations.

Our expectations are like a weight attached to our feet; they slowly make us sink deeper into dissatisfaction.

We cannot always change our situations, but we can unshackle ourselves from expectations, which will help us live with acceptance and gratitude.

• Expectations cause disappointment and resentment.

 Think of a time when your expectations haven’t been met?

Did you feel disappointed, frustrated, disrespected, resentful, your ego was bruised, or your self-worth was damaged?

When it comes to expectations, we can behave like children who have a temper tantrum when they don’t get what they want. Our ego is not rational; it’s self-centered, emotional, and needs validation.

Just the other day, I was disappointed that my husband didn’t buy me flowers for our anniversary. Did I tell him that I wanted flowers? No, but I expected him to read my mind and shower me with romance. When I didn’t get what I wanted, I was grumpy, disappointed, barely talked to him, and had to hold back my tears of frustration. It ruined my day, even though there was no reason for me to have a bad day. Which touches on the next point…

• They put a lot of pressure on people.

 Expectations are like the annoying boss who expects you to do the job of three people, preferably in no time at all. You feel pressured, anxious, and overwhelmed.

I asked myself, when is it ever ok to have expectations? My ego responded immediately, telling me that my expectations are important, that they represent my desires, and I should never settle for less. That answer felt good for a minute until I realized how much pressure it would put on people trying to fulfill my expectations. I cannot expect anyone to stop their busy life, read my mind, or climb Mt. Everest to appease my ego.

Should we not ask for what we need and desire? Absolutely, yes! BUT curb your expectations so you won’t get disappointed.

• They create problems in the workplace, romantic relationships, and friendships.

 My last job was a great source of disappointment and resentment. I worked hard, did extra tasks without being asked, but received no recognition or the pay I desired. My resentment was like a tumor, growing bigger each day, ultimately causing me emotional and physical suffering.

We can speak up if our expectations haven’t been met, but we often choose to keep it bottled up until the pressure has nowhere to go but to explode. That’s when relationships suffer or end because our expectations blind us to what people are able and willing to give. My expectations in relationships/friendships used to be unattainable, causing frustration for the person who couldn’t meet my expectations.  

“Expectations are assumptions, desired results, and attachments to what is going to happen in the future. When we form expectations, especially in relationships, we are dooming ourselves to disappointment.”   

                                    (Author unknown)

• They can hide the source of your unhappiness.

 Expectations often mask our own insecurities, but we are not always aware of them until we begin to dig deeper.

One of my expectations was that my friends should reply to my texts, preferably yesterday 😉, and when they didn’t, I would feel rejected. All kinds of scenarios were unfolding in my imagination: my friend was annoyed with me, lost interest, I wasn’t important anymore, etc. After years of dealing with my unrealistic expectations, I came to realize it was my insecurities and fear of abandonment demanding attention. It was like an epiphany I wished I had years ago, saving me from anxiety and rumination.

Now, my expectations are tied to a helium balloon, so they can be released and won’t affect my self-worth anymore.

If you are struggling to release some of your expectations, here are some strategies that might help:

• Focus more on the process than on the end destination.

If you derive happiness from immersing yourself in the journey instead of the end goal, it will be more sustainable and lasting.

• Acceptance.

Accept that not everything will go as planned, not everyone will or can fulfill your expectations, and that your ego will demand attention.

• Visualize possible obstacles.

Visualize what could go wrong, so when it does, you will not be surprised and disappointed.

• Avoid social comparison.

Don’t compare; it’s toxic for your self-esteem and self-worth.

• Change the wording of your expectations.

Instead of thinking “I want my husband to buy me flowers,” you can change it to “It would be nice to receive flowers from my husband, but if I don’t, it’s ok because I know he loves me, and I don’t need validation through gifts.”

Expectations are not the enemy of your happiness if you are aware of why you have them, grant people leeway if they cannot fulfill them, accept what is out of your control, and be compassionate with yourself when you struggle to ignore your ego.

I wish you all the happiness and joy that life has to offer 😊❤️