Existing isn’t the same as living: Choose a life that’s yours!

Sunset from my backyard

I sit in my tiny cubicle, staring at the beach poster that hides a depressing gray wall. The beautiful ocean scene helps me escape a stressful and unfulfilling reality. Over the last year, I have become more aware of my mortality as I’m approaching my 50th birthday.

One question, besides how do I get rid of my wrinkles 😉, has been nagging me for a while. The more I ignore it, the louder it becomes.

Am I living a fulfilled life, or am I simply existing?

Am I doing what is expected of me, or am I living authentically, creating a life that truly feels like mine?

Am I discovering my true potential, or am I letting fear control my decisions and actions?

As a recovering people-pleaser and empath, I absorb people’s emotions and respond to their expectations. Oftentimes, I lose sight of my North Star, which helps me stay true to myself.

“When you are just existing, life happens to you…and you manage; when you are truly LIVING, you happen to life….and you lead.”

(Steve Maraboli)

As teenagers, most of us dreamed of an exciting future; some of us wanted to be artists or activists, while others wanted to write a book or start a business. Somewhere, among responsibilities and disappointments, we lost sight of our passion and dreams. We became complacent!

What is the difference between existing and living?

Existing:

• We are on autopilot.

It’s the weekend, and I’m driving to the grocery store, but somehow I turn towards my office. My brain is on autopilot, trying to save cognitive energy. Our brains consume a massive amount of energy, especially under chronic stress.

When our brain is on autopilot, we miss opportunities, become less self-aware, and make bad decisions.

How can we stop the autopilot?

Pause, slow down, take in the beauty of your surroundings, meditate, spend time in nature, journal, practice self-care, seek solitude, hug a tree, say “NO” if you are burned out, and stop putting too much on your plate.

• We let fear and self-doubt control us.

Think of something you are passionate about, maybe a dream you always wanted to pursue. Do you feel excited and energized? Most likely, you talk yourself out of it right away due to self-doubt and fear of failure.

I learned that fear is worrying about how others perceive us. I’m notorious for declaring my dreams and intentions, but I rarely follow through because of fear of failure and judgment. When I finally let go of my worries and fully immerse myself in my endeavors, I feel empowered, creative, and unstoppable 😊

• We fail to explore our potential.

We are born with infinite potential, ready to be discovered. Instead of admiring others from the sidelines and wishing for a fulfilled and exciting life, why not explore your own potential?

When you learn a new skill and realize you are good at it, it opens a whole new perspective and widens your horizon. I never dreamed of becoming a writer; it was daunting and seemed unrealistic. Sometimes, I still feel like an imposter because I fear being judged, but ultimately, we are always our worst critics. Originally, I started writing as self-therapy; after a while, it became my passion.

I encourage you to try something new, to challenge yourself and overcome your self-limiting beliefs. You might surprise yourself!

• We conform to society’s expectations.

Trying to fit in is a bitch. We are like contortionists bending ourselves in unnatural ways to appease others’ expectations.

When I married my wonderful husband, I wanted to be the perfect wife. Go to the gym, keep the house clean, put food on the table, be a seductress, while working full-time. Well, I wore myself out and became depressed. I was not honoring what my creative spirit craved because it felt selfish.

So many of us are like adorable little hamsters running on the wheel of expectations; some are self-imposed, and others are created by society.

When my husband told me that he doesn’t expect me to be a perfect wife because having a Stepford wife would be boring, I laughed and felt relieved 😊

• We lack clear directions and purpose.

Imagine waking up on a Monday full of energy and excitement for your day ahead, instead of summoning up energy to get out of bed. If you curse at the alarm clock, dread your responsibilities, and want to fast-forward to the weekend, you lack meaningful goals and purpose.

Here are some questions that can help you generate some meaningful goals:

How will the goal align with my most authentic self?

What did I love to do as a child? (Hint: I liked writing short stories and designing outfits for my Barbies 😊)

How would the goal improve my life or others'?

How would it help me live a fulfilled life?

Avoid goals that are ego- or fear-driven because they will never make you happy.  

One pitfall that prevents us from reaching our goals is the lack of clear direction. Without direction, we cannot take the first step towards new endeavors. The goals or dreams I neglected to pursue are still haunting me like a ghost with unfinished business.

Once you have written down some meaningful goals, work on your action plan, how to overcome anticipated obstacles, and how to stay focused when life becomes overwhelming.

Most importantly, don’t lose your vision, which is your anchor!

“Until you fully embrace life, life will not embrace you.”

(Author unknown)

Living:

• We embrace our most authentic self.

When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

Imperfections, wrinkles, a disappointed or sad face?

Or do you see a happy, joyful, optimistic person living authentically?

When we live authentically, we are aligned with our soul, personality, spirituality, and values. We don’t bend to others or unrealistic self-imposed expectations. We express ourselves naturally and creatively without fear of judgment. We accept our imperfections. We don’t apologize for being different, unique, quirky, or eccentric. We feel empowered, and our self-love makes us more compassionate to others and ourselves.

• We don’t let fear keep us from exploring new opportunities.

Does this sound familiar? You are on vacation, surrounded by beauty and novel experiences; you are relaxed, joyful, and carefree. You start thinking about your life. You dread going home because deep down you know something is missing. You start dreaming of an alternate life, maybe a new job or ending a toxic relationship. You are excited about the possibility that life could be more meaningful and fulfilling. Ideas start crystallizing in your mind, and you plan to explore them when you get home. Unfortunately, as soon as you arrive home, you are swamped with responsibilities, and the after-vacation blues hit you like a brick. Any resolutions or plans you had disappeared into the vortex of lost dreams.

Fear is the biggest factor that stands in the way of us living the best life possible. Fear causes decision paralysis and a feeling of being stuck. I love this quote by Wayne Dyer: “We are only stuck if we choose to be.”

Usually, what scares us most is what can make us feel excited, aligned with our true spirit, and provide us with a sense of purpose.

• We are self-aware and trust our intuition.

Have you ever noticed something new on your way to work and asked yourself, "Has this been here before?" Most likely, whatever you saw has been there for a long time, but you never noticed it before. When we run on autopilot, awareness takes a backseat. Autopilot is great for preserving mental energy, but it keeps us from seeing the beauty around us, practicing self-awareness, and listening to our intuition when something doesn’t feel right.

Next time you drive somewhere familiar, or you take a walk in your neighborhood park, make a game of noticing something new.

Self-awareness helps us live in the present moment instead of being sucked into future worries or past regrets.

• We prioritize self-care, self-discovery, and self-growth.

What is your favorite self-care ritual? Do you practice it often, or do you feel guilty prioritizing yourself?

Self-care is the highest form of respect for your body and soul. Without it, you become a robot who serves others and fulfills obligations that won’t bring you joy or fill up your empty cup.

We need to let go of the notion that success, being a super mom or super dad, is the only way we gain love, respect, or admiration from others. Also, self-expectations can often be worse because they come from deep-seated insecurities. Drop the unrealistic expectations, so you have more time and energy for what truly matters, like coffee dates with friends, connecting with nature, pursuing creative hobbies…well, you get the point.

Self-discovery is important because you will never know your true potential if you don’t invest in yourself.

• We maintain a state of awe.

Two people can look at the same thing and have a different experience. I like to take a walk in my backyard after dinner, not just because it’s good for digestion, but also to relieve stress. My husband thinks I have a childlike disposition because I experience my surroundings with awe and wonder. I’ve indeed been looking at the same backyard for twenty years, but I don’t take it for granted. I’m grateful to be surrounded by colorful flowers, hummingbirds, and the sound of running water, which calms my mind. I believe in embracing life with curiosity, awe, and open-mindedness because it fosters an optimistic outlook, especially when life’s responsibilities are overwhelming.

• We don’t let negative people influence us.

Unfortunately, we are influenced by other people’s opinions because our self-worth depends on outside evaluation. It’s not just others’ opinions that affect us negatively, but also their feelings and bad attitudes. One of the best things we can do, but also the most difficult, is letting go of toxic friendships. A toxic friend or partner is like quicksand; the harder you try to please them, the more likely you will be pulled down. Ending a toxic relationship is difficult because we feel guilty abandoning someone we deeply care about. We should never feel bad putting ourselves first. In the end, if someone doesn’t add value to your life, you are wasting precious time. You could be out there meeting like-minded, supportive, and positive people who cheer you on, believe in you, and inspire you to live the best life possible.

Gizmo 😀

• We cultivate curiosity.

Curiosity is the spice of life. Imagine preparing a meal with just one spice; it is bland until you add garlic, pepper, and other ingredients that spice up the dish to make it delicious.  Life becomes stale and boring if we don’t add novelty and exploration.

When in doubt, be like Gizmo, my chihuahua.  Every day, he is in the backyard to explore the same corner, rock, and plant, making sure no alien, zombie, or rat invades his kingdom. His curiosity always puts a smile on my face, but it has also gotten him into trouble; one time he observed an object floating in the pool and fell in. He came into the house, water dripping everywhere, his body shivering from the cold water. Did he learn from the experience? Definitely not; he is still circling the pool every day, making sure the Loch Ness monster didn’t migrate from Scotland to miraculously appear in our pool 😉

• We maintain a growth mindset.

You become what you learn, think, and believe. A growth mindset is the catalyst for reaching your goals, exploring your full potential, and living a life that truly feels like yours.

“Your comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.”  (Jen Alvares)

I hope you will create a life that feels authentic, meaningful, exciting, and connected with your true spirit. The best gift you can give yourself is being the author of your own adventures, even if it means disappointing others.

As always, I’m sending you love and positive vibes 😊